Watching The Office

Michael: I still have the lease on the Michael Scott Paper Company so occasionally I will sneak down here for a little coffee and dancing. I actually dance all the time. Top-toeing around Corporate is a ballet. When I am breakin’ all the rules, I’m break dancing. And…espresso.

Michael: Now I know what the founders of Phillip Morris felt like. You just wanna give people a smooth, fun way to relax, and suddenly you’re just some terrible monster.

(more…)

Creed: So hey. I wanna, set you up with my daughter.
Jim: Oh, I’m engaged to Pam.
Creed: I thought you were gay.
Jim: Then why would you want to set me up with your daughter.
Creed: I don’t know.

Meredith: (to Ryan) Don’t fall in love with me Kid.

Toby: Well I was in the seminary for a year, and dropped out because I wanted to have sex with this girl, Cathy. Followed her back to Scranton. Took the first job I could find in HR. Later she divorced me. So, no, I wouldn’t say I have a passion for HR.

Erin: Do I still have a job here?
Michael: Not important. Ok. Alllright. Yes. Yes, you have a job. Frankly you have a job because Ryan and Pam, are starting with us as salesmen.
Dwight Schrute: Wait. What!
Stanley: How is that going to work?
Michael: It is going to work very smoothly because Pam and Ryan are bringing over a ton of clients, from Michael Scott Paper Company and you’re n–
Phyllis: You mean the clients you stole from us.
Dwight: Aren’t we getting those clients back?
Michael: No you lost– those clients.
Andy: I call foul sir!
Dwight: You were bought out, so the company then bought out all of the stolen clients.
Michael: Dwight, let me explain something to you. I set the rules and you follow them. Blindly. Ok? And if you have a problem, with that, then you can talk to our complaint department. It’s a trash can!

Jim: This is awkward to talk about but there may or may not be but definitely is a mutiny forming in the warehouse right now.

Dwight: When held over heat, the invisible ink will reveal that everyone should meet at the warehouse immediately. Do not ask me where I got the invisible ink. Urine. It was urine.

Dwight: We need to DO something. I’m thinking maybe a coup or we take Ryan hostage.
Phyllis: Those sound too harsh.
Dwight: No I’m not saying we DO those things I’m saying something LIKE those things.
Jim: Of course, what is "like" a hostage.
Dwight: Excellent question.

Andy: We could write a strongly worded letter.
Dwight: Words will never be enough.
Jim: Strongly painted picture.
Dwight: No, pictures are too interpretive.

Michael: When I needed salespeople for my new paper company, everyone here turned their back on me. Am I going to ask them to beg for forgiveness, no. Am I going to ask for a big, crying, apology? No. Am I going to ask them to slit their wrists for me? [smiling] No! I just want a tiny microscopic version of that.

Michael: The old Michael Scott might have taken this but not the new Michael Scott. They are in, for a bitter surprise. I am not to be trifled with.

Dwight: Case of the beet bandit. Missing beets from all over the farm, no footprints. Inside job. Mose in socks. Boom. Case closed.

Ryan: I never went to Thailand.
Pam: really?
Ryan: I went to Fort Lauderdale
Michael: Was it nice?
Ryan: Yeah, it was amazing. There was a great pad Thai place though.
Michael: I love pad thai.
Ryan: You’ve never had pad Thai.
Michael: No. There’s a lot I haven’t done.

Michael: Did I ever tell you about the day that Steve Martin died?
Pam: Steve Martin’s not dead, Michael.
Michael: I know. But I always thought, that the day that he died would be the worst day of my life and I was wrong. It’s this.

David Wallace: Here’s the situation. Your company is four weeks old. I know this business I know what suppliers are charging. I know you can’t be making very much money. I don’t know how your prices are so low, but I know it can’t keep up that way. I’m sure you’re scared. Probably in debt. That’s the best offer you’re going to get.
Michael: I’ll see your situation and I’ll raise you a situation. Your company is losing clients left and right. You have a stockholder meeting coming up and you are going to have to explain to them why your most profitable branch is bleeding. So they may be looking for a little change in the CFO. So I don’t think I need to wait out Dunder Mifflin. I think I just have to wait out you.

Michael: Our company is worth nothing. That’s the difference between you and I. Business isn’t about money to me, David. If tomorrow my company goes under I will just start another paper company. And then another and another and another. I have no shortage of company names.

Michael: There are certain defining moments in a person’s life. The day he’s born. The day he grows hair. The day he starts a business and the day he sells that business back to Dunder Mifflin. What have I learned from all of this? It is far to early to tell. All I know is that I’m flying high and I don’t even want to think about it. I just want to enjoy it.

Dwight:      When Michael was in charge, this place was like the Roman Empire. And the Wild West. And war-torn Poland. And Poland. There was just, a lot going on. So what you wore to work was the least of anybody’s worries. And in the chaos, I soared.

Michael:       I wanted to start a company. Not a war. Because in a war, you always fight those you are closest to. And the great tragedy of the civil war, is that brother fought against brother. For what? What purpose did that serve. Apart from abolishing slavery. In that case, war was the right case. This doesn’t seem as important though. That’s just how the world works I guess.

Dwight:      You needed to speak to me?
Charles Miner:     Dwight, take a seat.
Dwight:     I prefer to stand. Less blood clots.
Charles Miner:     Naw. That’s weird. You can just sit.

(more…)

Michael: I dunno I think I have done absolutely everything you can do to prepare for the day. I’ve updated our contacts, I have gotten quotes from supplies, I have sent out an e-vite, for our big, grand opening pancake luncheon. Six yes’s, one maybe, only eleven no’s. And seven hundred and eighty-eight not-yet-replied’s but! Of that group, seven hundred and eighty-two have viewed it.

Jim: The new receptionist is also named Kelly. So Kelly Kapour has decided to hover around my desk so that she can run into Charles’ office every time he calls for Kelly. She thinks that if she says “you wanted me” enough he will in fact want her. It’s not the worst plan shes ever had.

Pam: I make that one copy and I become the girl who makes copies. And by the end of the day I’m the receptionist again. And the worst part is, I like making copies. The paper comes out all warm and stuff. And it’s cold in there! Because it’s technically a closet.

(more…)

Jim: Charles is having Kevin cover the phones for a while. How do I say this diplomatically… I think Kevin is doing exactly as well as anyone might have expected someone like him to preform in a position like that.

Kevin: Dunder Mifflin. This is Kevin. Please hold while I transfer you. Oscar! Your mom!

Pam: Today’s my first day at my new job at Michael Scott Paper Company Incorporated. You know Apple Computer started in a garage. And we’re starting in a condo. So we already have a leg up on Apple.

(more…)

Michael: I looked at Wallace and I said, “I quit.” And as I turned to leave, I looked back and I said, “you have no idea how high I can fly.”
Stanley:     You didn’t tell him how sick of him you were?
Michael:     Why would I do that?
Angela:     Well wouldn’t it feel good to tell him he’s incompetant or…
Kevin:     That he’s wasted fifteen years of your life.
Meredith:     Maybe spit in his face.
Michael:     You guys have thought about this a lot more than I have. I just winged it.

Jim:      About a week ago, Michael gave his two weeks notice. And surprisingly, there is a very big difference between Michael trying, and Michael not trying.

Michael:      What am I gonna do? I’ll tell ya, what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna do a little bit of this, a little bit of that. I’m gonna stay up all day. I’m gonna sleep up all night. I’m gonna give it a hooo! Heyyy! Hooo! And I’m gonna stop worrying about calories.

Toby:      Michael’s like a movie on a plane. You know it’s not great but it’s something to watch. And then when it’s over, you’re like, how much time is left on this flight. You know, now what?

Pam:      Do you have any leads on a job?
Michael:     Pam what you don’t understand is at my level, you don’t just look in the want ads for a job, you are headhunted!
Jim:     Have you called any headhunters?
Michael:     Any good headhunter knows that I am available.
Dwight Schrute:     Any really good headhunter will storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife.
Jim:     Right, because that’s what we’re talking about.

Michael:      I’m going to start my own paper company.
Jim:     You’re starting your own paper company!
Michael:     Yeah!
Jim:     Why?
Michael:     Can you believe it? ‘Cause I know paper. I know everything there is to know about paper.
Jim:     Do you know that the industry is in decline?
Michael:     Yeah! Oh God I practically invented decline, right?

Michael:      Stanley!
Stanley:     Can’t you see I’m urinating?
Michael:     Listen, listen, Stanley. You don’t need to answer me now.
Stanley:     No.
Michael:     Just…I want you to think about it. I am starting my own company…
Stanley:     No.
Michael:     …you’re not letting me finish and you just lost out on a million dollars.
Stanley:     No I didn’t.

Pam:      I’m coming with you!
Michael:     You are?
Pam:     Yeah.
Michael:     Ok. It’s gonna be great!
Pam:     Great. Uh except I don’t wanna be a receptionist anymore.
Michael:     Right. Executive Assistant.
Pam:     Salesman.

Michael:     The Willy Wonka, golden ticket promotional idea is probably the best idea I have ever had. It’s probably the best idea anybody’s ever had. Three days ago, I slipped five pieces of golden paper into random paper shipments. This entitles the customer to ten percent off of their total order. It will be a day for them that is full of whimsy. And full of excitement. And full of fantasy.

Jim:     One my clients found a golden ticket.
Michael:     Ooohohoo! La di doo! Do to pa ta Tell me! Was it, a spoiled little girl with big lips, or an odd little boy, with a cowboy obsession. Invite them on the tour!

Michael:     I placed a bunch of golden tickets into five seperate boxes and somehow they all ended up at Blue Cross. How did this happen?
Darryl:     Were the boxes near each other?
Michael:     Irrelevant.
Darryl:     I put three pallets on the truck to Blue Cross once a week. They use a lot of paper.
Michael:     Ok I’m going to ask you something and I want you to be honest. What is a pallet?

Pam:     Dunder Mifflin this is Pam. Oh hi David. No, I’m sorry he’s not back from the, Civil Rights Rally. I’ll have him call you the minute he gets back from the Lincoln Memorial.

Pam:     When Michael’s skirting a phone call he gave me a list of places to say he is…. Stopping a fight in the parking lot. An Obama fashion show. Whatever that is. Trapped in an oil painting. I’m gonna save that one.

(more…)

Pam: They have new phone systems now, that can ring directly to a salesman, or someone presses star and they go to accounting. Basically ninety-five percent of my job. But I’d like to see a machine that puts out candy for everyone…..Vending machine.

Michael: Where’s Andy?
Oscar: He’s on one of his honeymoons.
Michael: What?
Oscar: He made non-refundable deposits. On his honeymoons. So he’s just knocking them off one at a time. I think today he’s hot air ballooning and later he’s got a couples massage.

Michael: Just about everybody in this office is single right now. Including me. And everyone is experiencing an incredible amount of emotional pain. Especially me, because of my great capacity for emotion. And it is my first Valentines Day since Holly. So, I think that I am well qualified to understand that these people need to be protected from having love shoved into their faces.

Michael: These people need love and I am going to get it for them. Who cares if we sell a little bit of less paper today. A great boss cares more about the happiness of his employees than anything else. I am going to be Cupid. And I am going to shoot my sparrow at unsuspecting victims. And they are going to get hit and say “I’m in love! I was hit my Cupid’s sparrow! Funny little bird but he gets the job

(more…)

Jim: Is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?
Dwight: Here’s one —- it was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I’d never felt before, father dressed in white, pulls me forward, mother bites the cord…
Jim: Ok stop. Forever stop that story. That’s disgusting. And it doesn’t count. So give me another one.
Dwight: Schrutes don’t celebrate birthdays, idiot! It started as a depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year! What about you?

Dwight: You have to write my suggestions down too.
Jim: I’m not writing “horse hunt.” I don’t even know what that means.
Dwight: It’s in the name!
Jim: Ok. So far, our ideal party consists of beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, touch football, mating, raids, and yes, horse hunting.
Dwight: You’re right, forget horse hunting it’s stupid.

(more…)

Kelly:     My birthday was yesterday, and everyone forgot. I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word. There’s wasn’t even a party. I think sometimes people are really mean, to the hot, popular girl.

Jim:     We just want to make it up to you, what can we do?
Kelly:     I guess my only wish, would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again.
Dwight: Oh God.
Jim:     Ok.
Kelly:     In a way, it’s good that it happened to me because at least I can bare it….
Dwight:     What kind of cake do you want, imbecile.
Kelly:     Ice cream.

Dwight:     Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.

Jim:     What is that? (pointing to Dwight’s self-made banner) “It is your birthday” period.
Dwight:     It’s a statement of fact.
Jim:     Not even an exclamation point?
Dwight:     This is more professional! It’s not like she discovered a cure for cancer!

Dwight:     Have you collected the money from everyone?
Jim:     I am working on it.
Dwight:     How much do you have?
Jim:     Six dollars.
Dwight:     That’s how much you and I contributed! Damn it Jim!
Jim:  I said I was working on it.

(more…)

Michael: No,no, no, you will not die, Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!

Red Cross rep:  So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael:     No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross rep:     No that’s not part of it.
Michael:     Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin:     I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael:     How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don’t do anything.

David Wallace:  How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight:     A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael:     Electricity.
Dwight:     Shampoo.

Michael:     Dwight…we are not mad. We are just disappointed.
David Wallace:     No we are mad.
Michael:     Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace:     No, we’re not!
Michael:     I am not a mind reader, David.

David Wallace:  Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight:     I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.
David Wallace:     We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael:     Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Ok. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.

Michael:      Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight:     I have.
Michael:     Let’s hear it.
Dwight:     (from a piece of paper, he reads…) I state my regret.
Jim Halpert:     You couldn’t have memorized that?
Dwight:     I could not because I do not feel it.

Dwight:      Ok everyone. I’m going to need you to sign this statement of regret, as an acknologment you heard it, ok? Everyone come on up here, it’s not a big deal.
Phyllis:     It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight:     Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise. Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, ok? Make a line. Let’s form a line right here. Sign it. Sign it!

Michael:      Remember when people used to say BOSS when they were describing something really cool. Like…. “those shoulder pads are really boss man.” “Look at that perm, that perm is so boss!” It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Dwight:      It’s very unusal for Michael not to show up for work. My guess, he’s either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them. And staring up at them. And I always say, “Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side.” And he’s like, “no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.” It was only a matter of time.

Michael:      Jim, you’re six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Whoa, there you are I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. Oscar you are….(Stanley is laughing) Oscar, you’re gay! Andy…Cornell called, they think you suck! And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!

Michael:     Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.

The gang is debating on whether or not Hillary Swank is hot or not:

Kevin:     Not at all.
Creed:     She’s cute.
Meredith:     She’s got mean eyes.
Pam:     Have you seen her with her bangs?
Kevin:     She looks like a monster.
Jim:     Guys, she is a beautiful movie star. So maybe we could just go to work?
Meredith:     She is an amazing actress.
Kevin:     That’s not the question.
Phyllis:     She’s not hot.
Kevin:     Yeah! Thank you Phyllis.

Kevin:     A painting, can be beautiful, but I don’t want to bang a painting.
Andy:     Ooohkay, TMI.

Pam:     Ladies. Are we prepared to let the Kevins of the world decide anything for us? Anything at all? We don’t even give him full internet access.
Kevin:     Wait what?

Angela:     Ok. I wasn’t going to dignify this discussion by getting involved. And I don’t even get the discussion. Hot is a temperature, people. But Kevin deserves to lose for what he said. So, yes. She’s hot. She’s hot as heck. She’s a female Boris Becker.

(more…)

Jim:     Andy still doesn’t know that Angela’s having an affair with Dwight. And it’s been seventeen days. I mean eventually, he’ll figure it out. When their kids have giant heads and beet-stained teeth. But right now it’s just… awkward.

Andy:     Is it true?
Angela:     What have you heard?
Andy:     That you’re sleeping with Dwight.
Angela:     That doesn’t sound like me.
Andy:     Is it true.
Angela:     Andy, I’m engaged to you. I mean, we just signed off on our wedding flowers. Would I have said yes to formal chrysanthemums if I didn’t want to get married? And we went through all that stuff with our wedding cake
Andy:     Just answer the question. Are you sleeping with Dwight?
Angela:     A little bit.
Andy:     How long has it been going on?
Angela:     I don’t know! I mean we were together and then he killed Sprinkles and then we stopped. I don’t know exactly when we started up again.
Andy:     Who else knows about it?
Angela:     Michael
Andy:     Who else? [Everyone in the office is staring through the windows of the conference room]

(more…)

Phyllis:     Angela, you’re going to move this for the party right? It’s not on theme.
Angela:     It’s the nativity scene.
Phyllis:     Alright. You can keep your camel, the sheep, elephant and the North African king can stay. Everything else goes into the drawer.
Angela:     I am not going to judge Phyllis for desecrating Christmas. There is one person who will though, and Phyllis just stuffed him into a drawer.

Jim:    Hey… (Walking up to Andy playing the Moroccan guitar)
Andy:     What’s up?
Jim:     You take requests?
Andy:     Sure.
Jim:     Please stop. Because we’re, having a Christmas party.

Michael:     This, is equal parts, scotch, absinthe, rum, gin, vermouth, triple sec, and two packs of Splenda. I call it a one of everything.
Meredith:   Oh. My. Gooood!  Hit me again!
Michael:     Ok! One more time around the block.

Michael:     That is vodka and I mixed it with orange juice. I call it an orange-vod-juice-ka.
Jim:    Wow that is delicious. I can’t believe no one’s thought of that before.
Michael:     I know!

Andy:     When I was in college I used to get wicked hammered. My nickname was Puke. I would chug a fifth of Soco, sneak into a frat party, polish off a few people’s empties, some brewskies, some Jell-o shots, do some body shots off myself… Pass out, wake up the next morning, boot, rally, more Soco, head to class. Probably would’ve got expelled if I had let it affect my grades but I aced all my courses. They called me Ace. It was totally awesome. Got straight B’s. They called me Buzz.

Meredith:     I don’t mind telling you I have an addiction. I do. To porn.
Michael:     Alright, no no no no. The image, I think we can all agree, is very disgusting but you know what? Meredith, you lit your hair on fire today. What about tomorrow? What is going to happen when you come into work and you’re dead?
Dwight:     I stab her in the brain with a wooden stick.

Dwight:     There are several ways to kill a zombie. But the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain, with a wooden stick.

Michael:     An intervention, it’s sort of hard to describe but really it’s a coming-together– it’s a surprise party! For people, who are– who have addictions. And you get in their face and you scream at them and you make them feel really badly about themselves. And then they stop.

Dwight:     In the Schrute family we believe in a five-fingered intervention —- Awareness. Education. Control. Acceptance and Punching.

Dwight:     I am simply punishing those parents that would wait until the last minute to give their child a gift. And such a genetically improbable one. Look at that… How does that happen? King has sex with a unicorn? Man with a horn has sex with a royal horse?

Michael:     As it turns out, you can’t just check someone into rehab against their will. They have to do it voluntarily. They have to hit rock bottom. So I think I know what I need to do at this point. I need to find ways to push Meredith to the bottom. Um. I think I can do it. I did it with Jan.