Watching The Office

Michael: No,no, no, you will not die, Stanley! Stanley you will not die! Stanley! Stanley! Barack is president! You are black Stanley!

Red Cross rep:  So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing?
Michael:     No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs.
Red Cross rep:     No that’s not part of it.
Michael:     Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean what kind of quality of life do we have there?
Kevin:     I would wanna live with no legs.
Michael:     How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin, you don’t do anything.

David Wallace:  How could you possibly think this is a good idea?
Dwight:     A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael:     Electricity.
Dwight:     Shampoo.

Michael:     Dwight…we are not mad. We are just disappointed.
David Wallace:     No we are mad.
Michael:     Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide.
David Wallace:     No, we’re not!
Michael:     I am not a mind reader, David.

David Wallace:  Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy.
Dwight:     I didn’t think it was very realistic in the movie, and it turns out, it’s pretty realistic.
David Wallace:     We had to pay for it. It cost us thirty-five hundred dollars.
Michael:     Five thousand three hundred dollars for a dummy? Ok. Look. This is why we have training. We start with the dummy and learn from our mistakes and now Dwight knows, not to cut the face off a real person.

Michael:      Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. They are very, very upset with him. So, as a disciplinary measure, he is going to have to issue a formal apology. Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret?
Dwight:     I have.
Michael:     Let’s hear it.
Dwight:     (from a piece of paper, he reads…) I state my regret.
Jim Halpert:     You couldn’t have memorized that?
Dwight:     I could not because I do not feel it.

Dwight:      Ok everyone. I’m going to need you to sign this statement of regret, as an acknologment you heard it, ok? Everyone come on up here, it’s not a big deal.
Phyllis:     It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley.
Dwight:     Yeah. Right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for fifty years and forced him not to exercise. Now take a lesson from Stanley and jog on up here and sign this, ok? Make a line. Let’s form a line right here. Sign it. Sign it!

Michael:      Remember when people used to say BOSS when they were describing something really cool. Like…. “those shoulder pads are really boss man.” “Look at that perm, that perm is so boss!” It’s what made me want to become a boss. And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. But now, boss is just slang for jerk in charge.

Dwight:      It’s very unusal for Michael not to show up for work. My guess, he’s either deeply depressed or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them. And staring up at them. And I always say, “Michael, take two steps back and stare at the icicle from the side.” And he’s like, “no, I like the way they look from standing directly underneath them.” It was only a matter of time.

Michael:      Jim, you’re six eleven and you weigh ninety pounds, Gumby has a better body than you. Boom roasted. Dwight, you’re a kiss-ass. Boom roasted. Pam, you failed art school, boom roasted. Meredith, you’ve slept with so many guys you’re starting to look like one. Boom roasted. Kevin, I can’t decide between a fat joke or a dumb joke boom roasted. Creed your teeth called your breath stinks. Boom roasted. Angela, where’s Angela? Whoa, there you are I didn’t see you behind that grain of rice! Boom. Roasted! Stanley! You crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks. Boom roasted. Oscar you are….(Stanley is laughing) Oscar, you’re gay! Andy…Cornell called, they think you suck! And you’re gayer than Oscar. Boom roasted!

Michael:     Alright. Alright everybody. You know I kid. You know I kid. You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. So, good-night, God bless, God bless America, and get home safe.