Watching The Office

Pam: He doesn’t get that many calls, so he has me make them up every ten minutes.

Jim: One of our biggest clients is a ping-pong master. I have to play him tomorrow, or we lose the account.

Dwight: I have a life-size poster of Hugo Hoyama on my wall.

Michael: The company fired her for having the courage to augment her boobs.

Jan: Remember, it isn’t just a pattern, It’s a pattern of disrespect, and inappropriate behavior.
Michael: Pattern Pat-tern. My friend Pat took a turn. Disray. My friend Disray got new specs. Disrayspect. My friend Inapro drives a Prius with his behind neighbor.

Michael to Toby: Are you renewing your divorce vows before my deposition?

Mr. Schneider: How long have you known the plaintiff?
Michael: I haven’t actually seen it, but I have seen The Firm and I plan on renting The Pelican Brief.

Michael on Stenographer: Delivery’s all wrong. She’s butchering it.

Lines from the Stenographer:
“Mr. Scott, do you realize you just contradicted yourself?”
“I did?”
“Yes you did.”
“Can I go to the bathroom?”
“No.”
“I really have to, I’ve been drinking lots of water.”
“You went five minutes ago.”
“That wasn’t to go to the bathroom, that was to get out of a question.”
“You still have to answer it.”
“First can I go to the bathroom?”
“No.”

Michael: To be delicate, they hang off milady’s chest. They make milk.

Michael: Line.
The judge: He asked for a line, like in a play.

Lawyer: Mr. Scott, who is this other woman Ryan, who you refer to here as ‘Just as hot as Jan but in a different way.’
Michael: Not a woman, just a cool, great-looking best friend.

Lawyer: Ok, let’s make ten copies of this diary.
Toby: Um, can you make it eleven?

Michael: You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend.

Michael: Maybe we should get something cheaper
Jan: Chinese was my cheap suggestion.

A lesson in Smack Talk from Kelly Kapoor:

• I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is all hypothetical, like, ‘Your mama’s so fat she could eat the internet.’ But smack talk is happening like, right now, like, ‘You’re ugly and I know it for a fact cuz I got the evidence right there.’
• We’re Jim’s parents first cousins who were also bad at ping pong?
• Hey, hey, you, you. I don’t like your boyfriend. Cuz, cuz, cuz, cuz. Cuz he sucks at ping pong?
• What has two skinny chicken legs and sucks at ping pong?
• You’re boyfriend is so weak he needs sterouds just to watch baseball.
• Jim couldn’t hit a ping pong ball if it was the size of the moon.

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For a full recap of this episode, click this.

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